Defenestration
by TheActualWurst
Summary: Join Wall-E, Shia, and Kendall as they journey through the ruins of what once was planet earth. After a disastrous abduction gone wrong, the trio must fight to find their way back home and survive. A heartbreaking tale of action, romance, and redemption.


**DISCLAIMER: LOL do you really think we own WALL-E, 'cause we don't...**

 **WARNING: THIS STORY MAY CAUSE SEVERE CEPHALALGIA**

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The rays of photons shone from behind mountainous structures, lighting up the silhouettes as if they were guardians of the land. In the distance, Cannabis plants could be seen flowing like heather on a grassy northern landscape, along with thin strips of bacon. The smell of smoke and burnt belly of pork permeated through the dense, polluted air. The sun, a beacon of light that burned like a scornful flame, illuminated every grain of sand found in its periphery. The wind seemed unsteady, almost faltering compared to the windswept ripples of the sandy desert. Not even a single echo could perforate the heat of the day, for the stench of emptiness was more overwhelming than a meager squint of a fly. Quiet, unprovoked specks of dirt were layered over everything in sight, dragging out a sense of dread to those who set foot upon the subdues of the once inhabitable earth.

Behind the curtain of floating garbage bits, a small figure was hard at work.

The small robot made a clunking sound and blinked, rolling its rusty metal frame over to a pile of trash that was scattered among the fragmented tidbits of plastic and glass. Among the spires of compressed waste was the small robot, one who had long forgotten his initial objective, yet was still hard at work.

Left on Earth by humans over a millenia ago, the vast army of cleaning robots had eventually rusted and broken down, leaving behind nothing more than various scraps and bits. One, however, was smarter. It had evolved and adapted, using barbaric rituals to prevent itself from wasting away like so many others. In fact, it regularly goes and hunts for the remains of its brethren, using their parts to keep itself youthful. Over the long centuries, it had taken a name for itself: _Wall-E_. Once a name for an extensive system, it is now a title of a single survivor. The land it inhabits is no less forgiving.

Although the surrounding area was a wasteland, dry and empty, bestowed with little signs of life besides a meek cockroach, a small circle of crops protruded from the ground. The lush, moist plants were a stark contrast to the barren desert around it. From the plants grew strips of genetically modified bacon, ones that were designed to have hallucinogenic effects. Over the past long centuries, these bacon plants had become one of the only living organisms on the planet. The tough, marred bark protected it from the frequent sandstorms that devastated the earth, and its broad leaves greedily soaked up every ray of light that managed to penetrate the atmosphere.

There were a plethora of bacon strip plants protruding from the disposed pots, causing the whole neighbourhood to look vivid with russet flickers of soil, and greasy mounts of lard. Wall-E slowly tread among the rows, carefully observing his produce with a critical eye. He stopped in front of an especially promising plant. With a cautious metal claw, he gently grasped a ripened strip of pork belly, plucking it from its branches. Satisfied with its quality, Wall-E opened the compartment on his chest, dropping the delicate strip his subspace. He spun around on his treads, and headed towards the large abandoned vehicle lying on the sandy outskirts. Its old metal ramp creaked open, bits of rust flaking of of its hinges. With a press of a button on the side of the vehicle, Wall-E fully deployed the ramp, allowing him to access his cramped yet comfortable home. Well, comfortable for a robot at least. I have no idea if people like to sleep among scraps of metal and garbage. Not judging if you do, though. We should probably get back to the story.

Rolling into the dark and dusty space, Wall-E reached for a switch hanging nearby. Warm, yellow light burst forth from a chain of old christmas lights suspended from the ceiling, bathing the once dank area in a comforting glow.

A small insect scuttled out from beneath a half-eaten marshmallow, excitedly running to greet it's only friend. Wall-E reached out a clawed hand, and the cockroach happily climbed on with a content chirrup. Suddenly remembering the fragile bacon harvest in his hold, Wall-E moved over to a massive shelving unit on the side of the room. Pressing down a button next to the shelves, he watched as the rows began to rotate, showing a vast amount of compartments, each holding a different assortment items. Finally spotting the drawer he was searching for, Wall-E released the button and the rows of shelves creaked to a stop.

With the roach still watching from his shoulder, he carefully placed the delicate bacon into a special padded box. He moved several paces back, satisfied with the day's work. Now would be the time to relax. He clambered up another ramp, and emerged on the roof of the vehicle. He was instantly bathed in the warm glow of the afternoon sunlight. With a comfortable sigh, he settled down to relish in his own satisfaction. Peering into the distance, Wall-E could see the outlines of the hills and mountains of trash cubes, many of which he built himself.

Somewhere in between the dispersed rusts of the badlands, a small little weed plant grew merrily on a hilltop. It too, was determined enough to brave the harsh wilderness, in return for what should be a home safe from any natural predators.

A shadow fell over it.

Shia Labeouf stood there, scissors in hand, ready to trim it. He looked hungry and desperate, no doubt an effect of being the last surviving man on planet Earth. Somehow, he had survived the destruction of the Earth's volatile atmosphere, living among the cleaning robots for his only chance of survival, fending off the forlorn feeling of impending doom that crept up his muscular, well toned shoulders.

His tongue darted from between his lips, as his small beady eyes locked onto the plant. Crawling slowly towards it, for the strength is his legs had long since left him, he greedily inhaled deep breaths of the intoxicating aroma. Shia grasped the scissors in his hands, trembling, ready to execute the small snip that would end the cannabis plant's life.

"Come here, little one," he breathed. "Come to me."

Something rustled behind him, immediately capturing his attention. He twirled in place, ready to consume whoever interrupted his session.

From behind an old and abandoned vehicle came Wall-E, his treads leaving neat lines in the coppery dust. Shia could see its binocular-shaped eyes curiously scanning the area until it landed on the single weed plant, then on Shia himself. The once innocent-seeming robot suddenly radiated a dangerous aura, optical lens glowing a deep shade of red, sending shivers down his spine. A bead of sweat trickled down Shia's forehead. He knew that there would be bloodshed, and any chance of survival would have to be fought for mano-a-mano.

"Mine!" Shia quickly exclaimed, lips trembling as he flung his arms out to protect the little green plant. The macabre glare of the robot only intensified with this statement, letting out a high pitched screech that echoed through the cracked dirt of the badlands. Shia suddenly repented angering the robot, but it was all in all too late, for the mechanical non-edible robot had been triggered and was looking for a fight. He pointed the sharp ends of the scissors towards the robot in a threatening gesture, ready to attack when they both gawked at a looming spaceship-like contraption. They both turned to stare up at the sky. This monstrosity of size and momentum and magnitude slowly penetrated atmosphere. The ground rumbled from the noise of the engines, as if a thousand upright basses played all their e strings at once.

On the other side of the spectrum Actual Bacon Addicted Shia LeBeouf screamed a note that if tuned would be tuned exactly seven octaves up, would also be an E. Coincidentally, violins could tune to Shia LeBeouf scream if it was record and could be processed over the sounds of the engine. If it could even be heard over the sounds of the thousands of basses and maybe a few octobass engines playing a perfect E.

Wall-e ruined this harmony by pitching around to several different notes in a poorly autotuning voice. To complete this, the auto tune was a little out of tune.

Suddenly, the noise metaphor was over and now, now was the time for the movement metaphor. Shia and Wall-e, to be brief, ran like ants during a rainstorm. They tried to hide in the sparsely populated fields. They tried to just get away from this noise from this giant beast of a ship.

Shia scampered through the broken wasteland, the static rustle of sand dusting off his feet with each lingering step. His mouth was still watering, the green cannabis caught in his mind like an unanswered prayer. All the while the little robot clinked and tinkered, wheels dragging to a stop.

"Quick, over here!"A quiet, feminine voice whispered from behind a pile of splintery pipes and body flaps belonging to a discarded ship. Shia and the little robot immediately followed the voice, survival being the only preservational instinct that contoured in their minds. They hid, finally coming face to face with the mysterious lone desert wanderer. A woman around her early twenties was crouching down besides them, pressing a finger to her lips in order to spire silence.

"We can fight back later, but for now...we need to hide." Shia recognized that voice. It belonged to none no other than Kendall Jenner. And by Kendall I mean, Kendall Jenner. Kendall fashion-queen Jenner. Kendall famo Jenner. Kendall i was in a controversial commercials because I was stupid famo and then got mad about it Jenner. Kendall not an actual ken doll, but probably would be in the line of products because she's so plastic Jenner.

As a side note, at some point I have to wonder if i'm being mean and cocky and if I have some hate mail coming towards me in the future. This is besides the point. The point is that you know who Kendall Jenner is and if you don't, as far as I'm concerned you have won the grand prize.

Kendall Jenner was there. And in the dead silence, mostly dead because there are very few sentient things left on this planet, they all (Shia, and Wall-e as well as a stray anime girl with pink hair) stared at her. Kendall blinked wearily through her thick luscious lips. Her tongue smoothly ran across her lips, then the sharp edges of her own teeth. She smiled, and Shia swore the temperature dropped dangerously.

"We must hide," she repeated. "We can not fight the forces that are coming."

Not a second after the last syllable left her speech-hole, the ground began to rumble with the strength of a thousand bulls. Rocks bounced and shook and the earth trembled beneath them. Sandy winds began to blow with a force stronger than any storm. On the horizon, a massive shape loomed over them, casting a shadow that seemed to stretch on for all eternity. The roar of the powerful engines were unmistakable, even to someone as infatuated with weed as Shia LaBeouf.

The gargantuan ship rose higher into the polluted skyline.

Kendall's hand tightened around the generic blue soda can in her grasp, nearly denting the thin, fragile metal. Behind her, wispy strands of hair whipped and blew like serpents battling for dominance in the wind. The cacophonous roar of a ship's engines echoed across the empty plains, a deafening sound that contrasted the land's usual peace.

As suddenly as it had come, the thunder quieted, allowed the suffocating silence the envelope the dusty atmosphere once again. No one dared to suck in a breath of the surrounding air. Maybe that had something to do with the fact that there was a ton of dust in the air, I don't know.

After several tense moments, the party collectively moved as one, and turned to look at each other. Each member was covered in a thin but thorough layer of fine sand, almost unrecognizable if it were not for the size differences. The smallest, a brown cube, starred up it's equally filthy counterparts. Its unassuming gaze swept between the two, finally settling on the taller bearded one.

The binocular optics darkened dangerously. It had not forgotten how the man had attempted to rob it of its precious produce. With a vicious snarl only pure rage can bring forth, Wall-E launched himself at Shia, landing solidly on the actor's head-shaped head. Pained grunts could be heard coming from the man's speech hole as Wall-E's treads dug into his skin.

He emitted a guttural scream as his hair was forcefully ripped from his scalp. Blood dripped down the side of his face, leaving neat crimson trails in the layers of dust. Shia's eyebrows twitched into a scowl, ready to attack the little robot with livid anger.

The loud snap of a generic blue and red soda fell onto the ground. Both Shia and Wall-E looked up, panting and confused as to what had just happened. Their eyes met with the angry gaze of none other than Kendall Jenner.

"Idiots!" she snarled."How can you fight over such trivial ideals at a time like this?" fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffgggggggg sorry that was my cat stepping on my keyboard.

Shia bit his inner cheek, holding back his salt. His gaze fell to the ground, trying to control the sudden urge to start protest on Kendall's wise words. That is when he spotted a little label stuck to a metal rod on the ground.

"Shia, what is u7xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxz VCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

My cat walked on my keyboard again


End file.
